Man (in) a Tee

Marriage Isn’t For Two

MarriageI’m scared of marriage. Chances are, if you are reading this, you are too. (or you just like reading about what makes people scared)

Now, there are plenty of articles and blog posts out there that explain why young men these days are afraid of commitment, marriage, saying ‘I Do’, etc. From wanting to establish a financial foothold in society first, to not wanting the added pressure of having children, to there not being any real advantages of getting married in the first place due to cohabitation.

None of these apply to me.

Now before you go calling me a self-loving, hippie that doesn’t want to be wealthy or have kids, let me tell you why I am scared of marriage.

What I am truly scared of, is losing my identity.

The Back Story

I know a lot of couples, married and unmarried, who really love each other. They’d catch a grenade for each other, throw their hands on blades for each other, jump in front of a train for each other. Heck, they’d even take a bullet straight through the brain for each other! But that’s my problem.

Looking back through my previous relationships I’ve noticed some common threads; one of them being that I tend to dote on the other person. All day. All night. Projects suffered and sleep was almost non-existent. All other relationships took a back seat. It was more important to go on a date than it was to say ‘Hi’ to my family. It was more important than studying for exams, and sometimes even taking the exam itself! This is why I am scared of marriage.

Where Hate Steps In

Since coming to know Jesus, I’ve learned that I am to hate people.

Luke writes in chapter 14 verse 26: “If anyone comes to Me (Jesus) and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.” [NKJV] That’s right folks, we are to hate people according to what Luke writes about Jesus Christ. This totally confused me when I first came across it. But after some digging in the Greek language (since Luke was a Greek Physician), I found out that the Greek word miseo was translated into the English word hate. Miseo in this context describes one relational orientation to another.

Back to the Story

This means other relationships can get in the way of the one that truly matters; the one that we have with God! What I understand Jesus is saying here is this: We are to put the relationship we have with God before all others. It is supposed to be prioritized above all else. Parents can get in the way! Spouses and children can get in the way! Siblings can get in the way! Even I can get in the way!

I mentioned earlier that I am afraid of losing my identity. Let me clarify this for you. I am scared of losing my identity in Christ Jesus. What if I fall back into the pattern of being so focused on a relationship here on earth that I neglect the relationship I have worked hard to have with my Heavenly Father? What if  my non-Christian parents “get in the way” to the point where, to preserve the relationship I want and need with my Eternal, Heavenly Father, I must cut the ties I have with them? What if this happens with some of my Christian brothers? What if I become a workaholic like my father, who is too busy working to earn money for his kids to actually spend time with them?!

It scares me to know that it is better for my relationship with God if I remain unmarried, as Paul has so wonderfully written in his first letter to the Corinthians, but at the same time wanting to get married and raise some kids. I am scared of fixating on the relationships I have with people here on this earth as opposed to being fixated on the relationship that eternally sustains me, that forever empowers me, and that gives me infinite peace.

What are some things that scares you about marriage? I’d love to hear from you. Drop me a comment.

…You’ve just heard a Cao go moo.

13 comments on “Marriage Isn’t For Two

  1. Juan Zung
    November 11, 2013

    Reblogged this on Love God, Love People, Change the World and commented:
    Jeff is in a young man in his 20′s, living on the west coast of the U.S, just trying to experience life to the fullest while attempting to help others along the way. He offers up some advice on getting through your 20′s alive, passes around some hope while doing so, and throws in a few “life hacks” here and there which will, he’s sure, be entertaining to us all. Everything from finances, to family, to spirituality; you suggest it, he’ll blog about it. Check out his blog at:

  2. Samuel
    November 11, 2013

    I wouldn’t say afraid. For me, it’s more of the expecting changes that will come in my life. Different responsibilities will be all over the place and it’s just something I know that comes with it.

    • Jeffrey Cao
      November 11, 2013

      It is really easy for me to see the external changes that will occur, but it is difficult a lot of the times to analyze myself. Kind of like the outside-looking-in thing. I haven’t had a “relationship” since I became a Christian; subconsciously, this might be a huge reason why. It’s hard to see internal change, for me at least.

  3. Juan Zung
    November 11, 2013

    Hmm… I’m like a dinosaur compared to you guys, but my take is that we are in the era of “mass customization.” Meaning that people can get exactly what they want in terms of products. So, I postulate, this has effected people’s feelings towards marriage. Waiting until they find the exact perfect person before they can commit. But, my feeling is, the perfect mate is not the correct understanding of marriage. It’s more the couple that becomes “perfect” through the relationship.

    Just my 2cents. I do have a license to practice marriage therapy in the state of CA though, not that that means I’m right or anything. ;0

    • Jeffrey Cao
      November 12, 2013

      I completely agree with you. There are a lot of people wanting that “perfect someone” that will love them for who they are and try and not change them. People like to use this as an excuse to not better themselves, which I find irresponsible and inconsiderate. My fear here is, based on personal past experiences, that I will start idolizing the earthly relationship; taking my focus off of the one that is, in my mind, more important.

      By the way, you aren’t as old as you think you are. And that’s a compliment!

  4. David Irvine
    November 12, 2013

    in my quest for knowledge on marriage I have come to see marriage as not something that will get in the way of my relationship of God but something that will drive me to seek and build a stronger relationship with Christ, let me explain this. So I have come to learn that in Ephesians 5:22-28 when Paul says we are to love our wives as Christ has loved the church, Paul isn’t talking about a feeling or an emotion. Because feelings are to variable, their to subjective and thats not the love that Paul is describing.. Your love for your wife has nothing to do with how you feel, its an act of your will, its a decision that we make as a husband we make to be loving. Jesus modeled this love for us, and showed us its an act of our will.God wants us to love with a love that expects nothing in return, a love thats not seeking its own and is not based on how you feel. And if you follow the life of Jesus through scripture you will see that he demonstrated this love not through feelings but through the right actions being done even when he didn’t feel like it. Example him going through an unjust trial and being accused when innocent and then being crucified. No matter how hard I try as a man i cannot obtain that kind of love for someone, it is only through my devotion to the Lord and constant working of building up my relationship with him and seeking him am i able to get a taste of that love. and through that i can express that love in my earthly relationships. so back to my previous statement of marriage being something that will drive me to seek and build a stronger relationship with Christ. Because it is only through him that a husband and wife be brought together in something pure and everlasting. Something that can withstand tribulation and trials, that can deflect criticism from society, that can guide parents as to how to raise a child. and if you and your wife both are focused on the Lord and not each other a marriage is built to last will be in the making. So do not fear for losing yourself Jeff, because if your are focused on him and your relationship with him all other relationships will prosper because he has given and shown us a way to make them prosper according to his will. I hope this helps lessen the fear of marriage a little Jeff. reading this and listening to sermons on marriage has opened my eyes to what marriage actually is in Gods eyes and not how the world has been presenting it to me this whole time.

    • Jeffrey Cao
      November 12, 2013

      Thank you for the words of encouragement David. Sometimes my actions betray my words or thoughts. I thank God for your perspective and the ways you challenge me.

  5. lizabethgee
    November 12, 2013

    I am honestly afraid of lies. Afraid that my future husband will not be completely honest with me, I am afraid that he will withhold the truth.

    • Jeffrey Cao
      November 12, 2013

      Lies are indeed an area of concern for many, including myself. Most of the time lies are due to, at least from the husbands’ side, wanting to protect their wives from something. The root issue is often insecurity, pride, and societal pressures saying males need to have it all together all the time in order to be viewed as a man. I pray that your future husband will work, or will have worked, through those things with the Lord.

      Thanks for reading and commenting by the way!

      • lizabethgee
        November 13, 2013

        Thank you for the input! Great post, I enjoyed reading it. -Elizabeth

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